memorylapse.

The night i got rejected from Cornell, marked a significant change of course in my life. Of course, i didnt know it then, but looking back on it now i realize that i will gain more in experience through this path than any other.

I didnt know who to call. I didnt want to call any of my school friends, due to humiliation and to avoid stupid questions. I remember wanting to call Bryan, but it was his birthday. So who did i call? A friend, now a stranger. Idk why i called him... especially because we dont talk at all now. i cant seem to comprehend how two people close to one another can suddenly become strangers over the course of on day..? Anyways, i called... and from the moment he said "hello" i choked. I just cried and bawled and made sounds i didnt know existed. I was fumbling for words. They were deep inside my throught trying to make their way out. And i ended the phone call with sorry, i didnt mean to call. He kept trying to call back.. but my mind was at other places.
I've never cried like that in my life. Usually when i need/want to cry, i take a shower. but even then, i keep it silent.

Its been a while since he and i talked that night, but i got a strange text not too long ago. it read, "are you sure you want to go to smc?" what gets me frustrated is he never seems to respond to my responses. So i just sit here, wondering to myself, what was the meaning of that question? People dont just ask things like that..

Well
I ended up calling Kim that night, and she was the best. We just talked and i just felt at home again, i jsut felt accepted. Even though my dad didnt accept me that night, and even though cornell didnt accept me, kim did. And just the fact that there are other places you can find welcome, ensures you that things may just turn out to be okay.

Somedays, i know that I'll be alright. I can do this.
But days when i'm doubting Him, i start to doubt myself. I start to fear the path He has set for me.
At this point.. im scared. Why me..