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My parents used to have this daily quota to meet - get x amount of nagging in and get your daughter y amount pissed off everyday before you go to bed. I'm not their prototypical korean kuman elite-attending bibleverse-spitting study-hearty-student kid. nor do I want to be. I'm lazily ambitious. but how's it go again? "screech screech-- you have to study!!! screech-- (I'm heading to my happy place)-- screech screech-- you have to get into this and this college--- (oh my, my parents have a lot of moles on their face, is that a new one?) screech-- what the hell are you doing on the computer -- screech--.. " .. yea and so on.

The daily bitchbombings. Towards the end of my junior year/beginning of senior year; they've been getting harder and harder. Maybe they found the way into my happy place, and they are following me there, so they can bitch smore.

But I was thinking. Why would my parents want me to go to this and this namebrand college over this and this state school? because of the financial success and status that is supposedly guaranteed to follow.

Status and $money$ The dream all korean parents want- i think. Let's pause that thought. Most korean parents are super-gung ho- they are the "we got our hotelroom in heaven reserved type of fundamentalist christians. --or at least the usual korean bethel attendee parents appear to be so. SO then accordingly, aren't they supposed to forsake worldly values? Liek biggie said..mo' money mo' problems. JC Sr. preached that the rich only make it to elysium's pleasure gardens with great difficulty. pause. Herein lies the great and humorous irony: It is somehow possible to be both a (relatively typical korean variety) Christian and a Korean American parent at the same time.

What is success anyway? A question that always gnaws me as I prepare myself in the morning. Is it the number of shiny benzes lined up in the garage of a palatial home overlooking the ocean front on top of a cliff? is it the louis vuitton- stocked closets? it would be nice to have all those possessions but numero uno, with all honesty, I think I would rather seek to develop a loving family. As corny as that sounds.

And you think- What bout all that material shit?

I respond- What bout it?

It might come, it might not. If money bought happiness, there would still be a bennifer. Anyways, as things are, it aint hard to seek out a comfortable living in the US with even half a brain .. I got a whole one, so I think I'll be straight.

but then again

My life has been so pressured that I've condensed and confined into becoming successful by other people's standards.

So I sit on my sore ass trying to solve this intellectually stupid thermodynamic problem through Hess's law.. trying to be what I'm not sure of.

--thats it! im just not sure.. I am not sure.

And as isabelle said to me today "Everything is just up in the air for you"

I'm just trying to figure it all out. Aren't we all?