Fooled you twice.

Today, I saw myself. The same indecisive girl one year ago.

There are 2 things that will always stem relationship issues for me- control and satisfaction.

Today, I stared at my insatiability eye to eye. And yknow what? I felt plain stupid.

You know how the saying goes, Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
All fingers pointing, all mouths chanting- shame on you, shame on you.

I am just so frustrated with myself and how I am unable to make decisions on the things I want. I cant decide because I don't know how to be satisfied with one thing. I have this I've-got-to-have-it-all complex to a certain extent. And although I see the beauty in one thing, I see a different beauty in another. But as honest this may be, it is also tragic in knowing the truth- I can't have it all.

I truly believe that I will never find Mr. Right. I mean, I am not speaking from a hopeless romantic point of view but just as me, just as Angela. And this is as real as it gets for me.

I have a tendency to get attached to people easily and rather quickly. While people may see their flaws as imperfections, I see it as something quite beautiful. I see a reason, a story, a potential to be good. I don't mean to sound like a philanthropist but I see a person as something he or she could become one day, not as who he or she is today. But the flaw in me is- what one person lacks, another has more of. And sometimes I wish I could let go of all moral standards and just really love it all.

And while my insatiability stared directly in my eye, it told me something I've always constantly denied. It looked at me nodding, 'Yes, that is what you are. & what You are is a cheater.' & all i could do was reluctantly and shamefully respond in the same nod, 'Yes, that is what I am. & what I am is a cheater.'

Physically speaking, I have never cheated on anyone in my life. But relationships don't form from a foundation of physical attraction/connection. Emotionally speaking, I have always cheated on everyone in my life. Never intentional, but I am what I love, and I love it all.

And just as my attachment with people forms so easily and rather quickly, it also goes so easily and rather quickly.

Sometimes I wish there was a blueprint that included the structure of how I function with instructions of how to fix. Maybe if I stick a screw in here and turn off a switch there, I could be fixed. Oh how great and dandy would that be? Just like buzz from toy story, My mode of life could be changed with a quick shift of a button.

But I am what I am. I am an emotional cheater who doesn't know how to keep the old new.

Shame on me.