D-nial

I'm quite good at denial. But then again, most of us are; it's an altogether human art that we master most easily, most naturally. Is it merely reactionary - a subconscious tic that twitches in reaction to a world indifferent to our dreams? I want to say that denial cannot be something we practice willfully, but then, upon observing certain peoples, I must conclude: yes, it is done with clear purpose, with a control over one's faculties that cannot be anything but a healthy lucidity.

I've been observing myself too (Though studying one's self impartially - without any bias or ego seeping in - may be impossible to do.) and I can say with a fair measure of confidence that I too am an individual in denial. Most especially about myself. My self-perception is an exercise in contradiction - one that continues to exist only with a heavy reliance on denial. It scares me to even go there, to peer into the depths of myself, where my ideals, goals, observations and insecurities conflict. I want to write about them. But I am not ready. (What, you're not ready to end the illusion that is your life?) No, I am not ready to do that.

How pathetic of me, to be afraid of what I may find in my own depths, how human. Or more likely it is this: I already know what lurks there - I'm just in denial about it.

***

We live and live.

Technically, we're doing it all the time.

Why so easy then, to forget how it truly feels to be alive?