A piece of my mind

Why am I not bald? I'm losing more hair than I can count and no matter how much I vacuum, there is hair everywhere

Great, what am I going to eat tonight?

It's okay. I'll eat this and that at 3 and I won't eat for the rest of the day. I'll work out at 7 or 8.

Damn it's 7, I'm too tired. Gosh, why am I such a fat ass.

Ew what am I wearing. Ew what is she wearing?

I want to sleep.

From Irvine to L.A. my thoughts are still skipping through pages. None of it making sense, yet consuming the spaces of my mind. Meet friends. Study. Bible study. Money management. Work out. Discover.

I am only 19 yrs old today yesterday and tomorrow. I grew up having people tell me I was mature and independent way beyond my age. I denied it, knowing that these qualities were forced upon me earlier in my life. I look at my friends and I envy their recklessness and their abilities to bask in the moment, living life regretfully.

I wonder sometimes why I lack the ability to let my guard down. I am pretty open when it comes to my story, the life that brought me to this moment, but when it comes to 'how did you feel through all that, how did you deal' I come to a silence. No one really asks that, usually because they're still absorbing the details of my life. But, occasionally and rarely, one does. A person with such courage would ask a question I avoid asking myself. Where can I begin?

My name is Angela Chong, I am 19 years old...My name is Angela Chong, I am 19 years old..

I repeat this mantra over and over in my head, and all it does is reverberate in my mind. A hollow echo with no voice.

My heart could tell you the truth. My name is Angela Chong, I am 19 years old. I have been hurt for 18 years and I have been healing for 1. Pain is familiar, I am not used to this healing. I am learning to accept, something that I need to learn to do. There's always been something about my mind, so unhealthy and fragile that cannot understand the momentum of life- how life is about progress and transgress. How can a heart know what a mind doesn't?

Because of this I am always in constant battle with myself. Like a character in a book. The theme marked as Man vs. Self.

When will it end?

When the echos of my mind pacifies? or When something echos back?

who knows.