1 Year.

I was sitting at Border's last night instead of watching the last game. I won't lie, other than the fact that kobe bryant is ridiculously good looking, I am not a die-hard basketball fan.

Anyways, I was reading Joan Didion's essays and her 'Play it as it lays' and.. it got me to reflect on the paths I've taken this year. It's only been one year since high school, and yet so much has changed. I see it everywhere- the change in my friends, teachers, places, me. I remember moving out of home with such high expectations from santa monica. I thought I'd meet and find many new companions and domains, and I did, just not the way I had planned. I have many plans you see, and although life tells me time to time again, those plans never go accordingly. Distractions weren't a problem this year. Relationships were never a priority but now more than ever, it just became not-worth-my-time. I've hit my emotional and physical (for what I know to be) rock bottoms this year, and I've become more aware of the person I was becoming. It's quite strange and refreshing to see yourself from the outside in, yknow, the way people perceive you to be.
At first, I was confused. All my life I had followed the direction of the tug of my parents. That tug on my heart and thoughts, pulling me to feel and think a certain way. But now..? Now I had a compass in one hand and a map in the other, and yet I still had no sense of direction. I surrounded myself with people with false hopes and dreams because for the moment, they were tangible. I don't know when it hit me, but when it did, it hit me hard. Maybe it was when my parent's marriage was on the verge of divorce, and all I could do was blame myself. I was afraid. I think that was one of the most profound moments in my life. Call it epiphany if you will, but from that moment on, I finally clearly realized that everything you have worked for, you have worked to become or gain, could instantly be taken from you. -You hear this kind of quote all the time, and I don't say this as a sign of resignation. It's a sign of acceptance and a sign for battle. Nothing will be taken from me anymore. I will fight to protect the things I have made, gained, and become. Cut each of my fingers off if you have to, what is mine is mine, not yours.

People say that the paths they've walked are their own. I agree, it's the 'eye of the beholder', but the paths I've walkedaremy own. They are mine, because they are paths I've created. I have reaped bushes, torn down trees, and pulled out weeds. It may not be perfect, but it is mine. It's not a path that has been set out for me, nor is it a path often taken, but it is mine. Mine.

All throughout my life I have been told what to do. I have been told what to become and what paths to take in order to achieve it. This year I chose to ignore everything. I chose to find out for myself what works for me and what doesn't.The change in me came with a huge price of responsibility. If I fail, there is no one to blame. I am the scape goat, I am the victim as well as the culprit.

Funny isn't it? All it took was one year. One year to finally own up to everything I say and everything I do. One f-ing year. There was so much to gain and lose within this one year.

And this year.. This coming year is what brought me to Borders in the first place. People don't need to remind me that transfers begin this year, it's something that's on my mind everyday. But even with all this said, I still don't know. I don't have everything all figured out, I am still in the process of that. The colleges may not be asking me a whole lot, but to me, they are asking for my whole lifetime. How can one determine, "what are you plans here at so and so, what will you do with this intended major, what can you bring to this school, what can we bring to you?"

I figured out this one year. It took me one year to figure it out. How do I figure out the rest?