As it was

Im speaking about then, Angela. As it was.

Jeff called to go out with his friends that night. I told my dad I was leaving to study with some friends, something I've told him for days, weeks, months, and a year. I was never home. I told myself it was because I didn't want him to see the actual person I was. The person who felt suffocated everyday at the idea of being home. Just suffocated at the idea of 'belonging' somewhere, to someone. I didn't want him to see the people I surrounded myself with, but that wasn't all of it. I might as well lay it on the line, I have trouble with as it was.

I mean it leads nowhere. 405 South, my mother sitting on the driver's seat and my sister and I sat in the back looking outside the beaded window- Rain everywhere. The four of us driving down to Irvine, miles away from where I had been, miles away from the person I was and could have been. I couldn't tell the way my mom felt, and I looked to my dad as he talked about his plans, he always had a lot of plans. Just like him, I too have a lot of plans. I never knew why, none of it makes any sense, none of it adds up. But there you are. Everything goes.

I am working very hard at not thinking about how everything goes. I look at my friends. I watch us grow, keeping my mind in the now and the later because the before is useless.